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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” Everyone’s scrambling, and I’m trying to keep my cool. I’m like, “Guys, it’s probably just a drill.” But deep down, I’m sweating bullets. Turns out, it was just some idiot trying to cook in the common area. Seriously, who thought making a microwave meal was a good idea?

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